大师们的分手信

伊曼努尔·康德

For our entire relationship, I was absolutely and irrevocably miserable. I can see now that you used me purely as a means to an end. Don’t you know how that makes me feel? It is imperative that you reflect on the meaning of universal law, and stop doing that thing you did with your tongue. I hated that.—Immanuel Kant

对于我们这段关系，我彻底失败，我注定不幸。我现在才明白，你从头至尾都在利用我。你知道我是怎么想的吗？我奉劝您赶紧思考思考普遍法则吧，也求求您别再巧舌如簧了。说实在的，我恨透了你那样。

卡尔·马克思

What are we even doing anymore? With every passing day, you grow more isolated from your labor. We have not made love in over a month, even after I was cured of that rash, and was so certain that we would celebrate appropriately. I demand justice from this bourgeois hand-job hell they call “relationships.”—Karl Marx

我们真的还有必要在一起吗？足足有一个多月，好日子白白流淌，而我们却从未坦诚相见，即使是在我皮疹痊愈，本以为我们肯定要庆祝的那一天！然而最后，我只能靠自己的双手聊以慰藉，这可恨的被中产阶级称之为“关系”的鬼事！

弗里德里希·尼采

Do you remember that day with the ducks? It was cold and rainy and the foreboding sky tried to seal our fate with each gust of wind. We hurried underneath the nearest awning, where we came upon a family of ducks nestled together, and I remember looking at you and thinking,
 “This can’t last long.” But what ever does? Listen to me when I say that just as a bee abandons its flower once pollination is complete, you too must move onward, or go under. One day soon you will meet a man, and he will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and it is my greatest hope that he will not give you syphilis.—Friedrich Nietzsche

你还记得我们和鸭子共处的那天吗？很冷，下着雨，阴郁的天空似乎要用阵阵寒风将我们冰封。我们冲到最近的屋檐下躲雨。屋内，一群家养的鸭子拥簇在一起。我盯着你看……那心悸的一瞬间我想：“这感觉，终会消逝的。”但这世间什么不是呢？听着，正如同一只蜜蜂在采集完花粉之后立刻抛弃花朵一样，你也会那样对我的。很快，你就会遇到另一个男人，一个以凤凰涅槃般姿态出现的男人。而我最大的希望就是——他不会让你染上性病。

柏拉图

It pains me to admit it, but Socrates was right about you. You are incapable of thinking about anyone but yourself. When was the last time you even came to see me lecture at the Academy? I have been lost in a state of denial for long enough. Now I finally realize that your love is not true. Your beauty is transcendent, yes, but painfully abstract. Leave me to grapple with the material world. Be gone.—Plato

我承认，我受伤了。但苏格拉底是对的——女人，你从来不会考虑除你自己之外的任何人。上次你去看我学院的演讲已经是什么时候的事了？你还记得否？我都已经在学界被否定如此之久了，如今却又意识到，连你对我也是虚情假意。没错，你很美，但美得太抽象。就放我一人去与这个俗世搏斗吧！走好，不送。

勒内·笛卡尔

I drink, therefore I am . . . drunk. Ha ha! I thought this would be easier after my sixth glass of wine, but alas, it is still absolutely terrible. Oh, how my world grows smaller when I think of you not in it, and—no, you know what? Let me start over. Philosophy is like a tree, and it has all these branches that extend outward, but you’re like a shrub. Cute and small, but not well versed in rationalist thought. Do you get what I’m trying to say?—René Descartes

我喝，故我……醉？哈哈！可笑……本以为六杯酒下肠，我会好一点，但是，我没有，我依然糟透了。唉！你都不在我的世界里了，它还剩下什么呢？不不不，等会，让我重头开始说。哲学这东西，就如同一棵树，它所有的枝桠都在向外生长衍生。而你，如同一株灌木。你可爱、小巧，但终究在理性主义上输了。所以，你知道我在说什么吧？

保罗·萨特

My dear little girl, I visited the Balzac exhibit the other day and immediately knew what had to be done. I am terribly in love with you, and yet I despise you. Try to understand: I think of you in those small, delicate moments, like when a squirrel hurries across the allée or a homeless man pleasures himself in the bushes of les Tuileries. It might be time that you find someone else who shares your interest in morally evolved threesomes.—Jean-Paul Sartre

我亲爱的宝贝，那天我去参观了巴尔扎克展，当时我立刻明白了我该做什么。我无可救药地爱着你，但我也恨着你。请你这样理解：我一直在那些短暂的瞬间依恋着你，如同一只松鼠穿过一条沁凉的林荫道的瞬间那般爱你，如同一个流浪汉在杜伊勒里公园灌木丛里欲仙欲死的瞬间那般爱你。然而总有一天，你会找到一个与你兴趣相当的人，那时，我们就不得不卷进那扯到道德问题的三角关系中了。

西蒙娜·德·波伏娃

白痴保罗，你别再恶心我了。——西蒙娜·德·波伏娃

索伦·奥贝·克尔凯郭尔

I will proceed to break down our relationship into three stages. Our first stage is defined by aesthetics. I walked down one of my favorite crooked streets in Copenhagen, watched you step out of a carriage, and knew I must have you. The second stage of our existence is an ethical one. While I desired to lay my eyes on your hidden flesh, I recognized that you had recently revealed your body and soul to my good friend Hans, and knew he would be pissed if I tried anything. Our third and final stage is religious. I did not care much for Hans, and so I seduced you. However, we have both committed a tremendous sin, and thus we must end this immoral though titillating tryst immediately. God bless.—Søren Kierkegaard

接下来我要把我们的关系划分到三个阶段。最初，是纯粹的美的阶段。彼时我走在哥本哈根最喜欢的一条大道上，看到你从马车上缓缓走下，那一秒我便知道，我必须要得到你。而后的阶段却是道德阶段。当我望眼欲穿、渴望着你的身体时，却已发现你早已将自己的肉体和灵魂交给了我的好朋友汉斯。而我知道，一旦我做了什么，他都会气得发疯。我们最后的阶段将会是虔诚的阶段。我还是没忍住，忽略汉斯的感受引诱了你。但是，我们都知道，我们犯了罪，纵然那些幽会迷乱又撩人，但我们必须结束了！祝福你。

约翰·洛克

Say goodbye to my John Cocke!—John Locke

就让我们说再见吧，我的约翰·科克！